Don't Fuck With the Ska Band

Ska bands are not to be fucked with. Let this be a lesson to you and yours.

The always-affable Sean and I set out last night to see a friend/co-worker of his' band play at the Middle East. That's the thing with Sean's job, about 90% of his co-workers are in a band. Some are in more than one band. This is not an exaggeration. So when you start going to co-workers' gigs, you have to go to more and more co-worker's gigs to avoid hurt feelings. Plus, y'know, Sean and I are rock stars like that and we love to party on school nights. At least, that's what we say to each other blithely over the music as we stand there nursing our rum and diet cokes with our foam earplugs firmly ensconced against our eardrums. Then we agree to do it more often, and in six months the whole cycle starts over again.

But that's another story.

The Tint was good, a power alterno-pop kinda band that reminded me all at once of Green Day, Tonic, Counting Crows, and The Smithereens. If they all were on speed. (That was Sean's addition.) The lead singer had those creepy eyes that follow you no matter where in the room you are, like one of those haunted mansion paintings; and his delivery was very Green Day's Billie. Sean's actual co-worker may have been the most enthusiastic bass player I have ever encountered. What a funky white boy!

So, yeah, Tint good. But they were the only alterno-pop band on the lineup, apparently. The rest were ska bands, which was a happy surprise because Sean likes ska more than any other once-mulleted metalhead I know. That Sean is also no stranger to the funk himself. We happily bobbed our heads and sucked on our rum and diet cokes.

Then, it happened. A scuffle broke out! Complete with bitch-ass'ing and fuck-you'ing and fisticuffs! Someone was not only heckling, but baiting a member of the ska band that had just left the stage.

That is never a good choice. You don't fuck with a ska band. Here, in no particular order, is a list of reasons not to fuck with the ska band.

1.) First of all, ska bands have an average of 17 members, at least. Unless you came to the bar with 17 of your closest friends who happen to not only share your views on music and life but also are willing to bust a head or two open on your account, you should not fuck with the ska band.

2.) Secondly, do not be fooled by the appearance of the members of the ska band. Sure, they look like a bunch of jolly guys in their suits, grinning while playing their instruments. They can't fight, right? Ha. Keep in mind that these guys were the members of your high school's marching band. They have been picked on for years and years because of their talent with the trumpet, or saxaphone, or bass. As soon as high school was over, they quickly joined a gym and beefed up; and they are now ready to take out all their anger over having their retainer stolen from them and shoved down the toilet in 7th grade out on any schmuck who heckles and/or baits them.

3.) Thirdly, do not forget that the instruments the ska band is using can be converted to weapons with a quickness and ease that would make your head spin. Do you really want to find out if a French Horn will leave a permanent imprint on your skull? Those babies may be their "pride and joy", but they're not more than their pride. And a bass is a very, very large instrument. It weighs more than you do. I'm sure of it.

4.) Fourthly, it is just plain mean to fuck with a ska band. The ska band is out playing music on a school night when they probably have to get up and put their suits on the next morning and go to work. See how clean-cut they are? That probably means that they have real jobs and do not just make pizza at Dominoes because it is the only job where you do not have to wake up before 2:00 pm. Also, it is important to note that the clean-cutness of the ska band denotes an utter lack of facial piercings, which can be seized and yanked in the event of a fisticuffs.

I repeat, do not fuck with a ska band. It is a very bad idea.