The One in Which I Fart in My Sleep

SETTING: An apartment in the suburbs of Boston, MA. REDPANDA and SEAN, a twentysomething couple, sits on their couch, laughing and engaging in a conversation while the TV drones in the background.

SEAN (excited): I keep forgetting to tell you! You farted in your sleep the other night.

REDPANDA (aghast): I what?

SEAN: Farted. In your sleep. (Snorts.) It was really funny!

REDPANDA: I farted in my sleep?

SEAN (still laughing): You totally farted in your sleep! It was so funny!

REDPANDA: Farting in my sleep does not count as farting!

SEAN (still laughing): You totally farted in your sleep! It was so funny!

REDPANDA: What night was this, anyway?

SEAN: The other night. You totally farted! In your sleep!

REDPANDA: Was it really really loud? Like, a big booming tooting fart like a tuba or something?

SEAN: No. You totally farted, though!

REDPANDA: Did it smell really bad? (laughing) Did I give you a Dutch Oven?

SEAN: No, it didn't smell at all. So, no possibility of a Dutch Oven.

REDPANDA (seems disappointed): Oh.

(pause)

REDPANDA: So, what did it sound like? Like, AWWWOOOOGAH? Or what?

SEAN: Kind of just ppphht-phhht-phhht. At first, I thought you had cracked your back. I was going to wake you up and say "Nice crack, honey!". But then I realized it had gone on too long to be a crack. It HAD to be a fart!

REDPANDA (incredulous): So you didn't even recognize it as a fart at first? That's so lame! What a waste of a fart!

SEAN (defensively): It's still really funny! You've never farted in front of me before!

REDPANDA: I'm not sure that farting in my sleep "counts" as farting in front of you. Especially if you weren't even sure it was a fart.

SEAN: It was a fart! You totally farted in your sleep! It was really funny.

REDPANDA: ---