A Very Special Blog

Today's entry is brought to you by my illustrious Best Friend Since Birth, one Brandy. It began in e-mail form, appearing in my inbox today with the subject line: "farts and the farting farters who fart them".

I knew then that it was going to be a good e-mail, one that made me chortle unselfconsciously and perhaps lean way back and point at the monitor, but I was totally unprepared for the level of "good" that this e-mail was.

It was so good, in fact, that I felt that I couldn't in good conscience go on living unless I had shared it with all of you. So, without further ado, I give you my guest blogger of sorts, Miss Brandy.

I must thank you, Redpanda, for your recent blog. My
co-workers looked on in wonder as I turned fire-engine
red, snorted, drooled and guffawed my way into an
aneurysm. See, I laughed so hard that I don't even remember
how to spell that word!

It took me over 2 years before I would fart...scratch
that, it took me 2 years of living together before I
would fart in front of my boyfriend. By then, we'd already
been dating for 3 years before that.

Guys, farting is just one of those things that women
like to make men think they don't do. Belching!? Well,
that just means we've enjoyed a delicious meal. Why, in
some middle eastern cultures it's consider polite to
belch. But farting! Well, that would imply that we
have a gastrointestinal tract and actually have to
shit. Shitting, c'n'est pas chic! We'd like you to
think that that food we chew so cutely while stroking
your leg with our foot just burns right up in our slim
bodies.

So men must forgive women for not wanting to cross the
line of public farts. In fact, we find them quite
hilarious. Pre-teen girls have been known to sit
around at slumber parties and have contests for the
loudest, wettest, most rumbly or most high pitched
farts. Extra points go to the girl that can scare the
dog out of the room. Hours of fun, I tell you.

But please, be careful what you wish for. Once we
girls break the vow of anal silence, you may be sorry.
Today's little non-farting china doll may just turn
into a gas-blasting bitch with a penchant for
dutch-ovening kittens and passers-by.

Thank you, Brandy. All kittens in the Redpanda-Sean household will be safe this night. From me, anyway.