Bathroom Etiquette

Gaw, I haven't posted in ages. So I guess I should make it worth everyone's while...

I walk into the ladies' room at work this morning, only to find one of the stalls occupied. Not just occupied, but silently occupied. This is the worst kind of occupied. You see, a silent occupation of a stall in the ladies' room indicates that not only is someone pooping, but someone is attempting to poop without letting on that they are pooping. So you will be obliged to do your business in as quick a manner possible, speedily wash your hands, and get out so the Secret Pooper can resume pooping. Otherwise, you're just being rude--trying to listen in on the pooping or just plain embarass the pooper.

Sometimes I'm tempted to wait till the Secret Pooper comes out, point at them and yell "POOPER! POOPER!!!" This is probably their greatest fear--being found out.
*GASP* Everyone will know I poop...

On the other side of the spectrum are the Joyous Poopers. Joyous Poopers revel in every splash, every echoing splat that emits forth from their bowels. Now, this is a rare oddity among women. But I did have the good fortune to encounter one once, here at work, awhile back.
It was a co-worker--an African-American woman of considerable girth. Ungodly, cinematic sound effects came from her stall. And following each one, she would utter some comment. *SPLAT* "Oh, my lord!" *SQUISH* "Oh, sweet Jesus!" *FART* "Oh, my word!"
It was all I could do to not erupt into laughter before I ran out of the room.

Now, your Secret Poopers are not nearly as annoying as the rampant flossers. Now, I understand that brushing one's teeth after meals is "good oral hygiene". Flossing? Great! But in the public restroom? Ewww. You walk in and someone's there at the sink, brushing and flossing away. How rude do you feel peeing while this goes on.? "Oh, excuse me, I'm going to spew forth waste products from my body while you play with your mouth. Hope it doesn't bug you!"
When I encounter a Rampant Flosser, I usually seek out another restroom. Or wait. It just bugs me too much.

Personally, I like to envision a meeting of a Rampant Flosser, a Secret Pooper, and a Joyous Pooper. That would be something to behold! Would the Secret Pooper be inspired by the Joyous Pooper and let go? Would the Rampant Flosser be disgusted enough to leave and complete her flossing elsewhere? One can only speculate...

Another common occurrence is a stand-off between Secret Poopers. Sometimes you'll walk into the bathroom and there will be not one, but two silent stalls. Both occupents are waiting for the other to leave first so she can commence pooping. These stand-offs are known to last days, even weeks; with the participants unrolling endless lengths of toilet paper and shuffling their feet countless times in an effort to conceal the fact that they wish they were pooping. If you encounter a Secret Pooper Stand-Off, it's best to hurry in, complete your business as quickly as possible, and hurry out. This way, the Secret Poopers will not be distracted by your presence and can concentrate on the task at hand.

Talkers have reached epidemic proportions here. There are two kinds of Talkers. Stall Talkers insist on talking to you while they or you or both are actually in the stalls. Eww. Hangout Talkers are trying to avoid being seen talking on the "floor", so are chatting away in the bathroom despite no longer having any business to complete there. Hangout Talkers are the mortal enemy of Secret Poopers, and can set them back entire minutes in their quest for a private poop. And they ick me out almost as much as Rampant Flossers. I mean, what are they doing in there? Smelling the air freshener? Listening to my tinkly pee-jingle? Get a life, people! Back to your cubicles!!!

All this ranting has made me have to pee. I'll catch ya'll later.