Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Shamelessly Exploiting My Own Junk Mail

Having ripped open the XXX! Jenna Jameson poster!, I was greeted with a very special report. I knew it had to be for me, because the glossy flyer looked rather like a medical file (right down to the manila-ness) and had "CONFIDENTIAL" stamped across the top of it in red letters. Whew! Good thing it was confidential. If there's one industry you can trust, it's the adult toy and video industry.

I will now quote for you, verbatim, the contents of this glossy "folder". However, take note--to avoid lawsuit (not that anyone of any consequence actually READS this, but it's nice to cover one's ass), I will refer to the advertised product in question not by its given name, but as Promaxi-mum Wee-Wee Rx. Understood? Good. Let's proceed. (For simplification purposes, the quotation marks around the following are implied.)

Another Promaxi-mum Wee-Wee Rx Success Story.
Remarkable New Pill Reported to Help You GET BIGGER...BETTER...LONGER!

*Increased Length
*Increased Thickness
*Rock-Solid Erections!
*Long Lasting Erections! Why "Rock-Solid" got a dash and "Long Lasting" did not I'll never understand...
*No Need for Prescription!

(Open Booklet...)

"Every time I saw Diane my heart started to pound. those eyes, those legs, those huge perfect breasts"... (picture of what can only be "Diane" in a bikini top displayed to the right of that message)

"Man, I wanted to approach her. But I knew, even if I had a shot with her...if I was lucky enough to get her in bed...I was facing a catastrophe.
After All, I've Been Ridiculed For Years About The Small Size Of My Penis. (To the right of this message is a picture of what can only be our hero in utter small-penis misery, his head in his hands--wait, is that a wedding ring???)

It was frustratiing. I'm not a bad looking guy. Many women are attracted to me...but it always ended the same way...with a dissappointed (sic) look and an excuse to leave. I hated my curse of a small penis, but there was nothing I could do..Or so I believed"...

(Next Page)

"Then I read about Promaxi-mum Wee-Wee Rx --an amazing new pill, reported to Dramatically Increase the Size of Your Penis. I was skeptical, but I knew I had to do something"... (Next to this is a picture of what must be our hero's doctor, looking very doctorly with his stethoscope and white lab coat.)

"So I made an appointment with my doctor and asked him for a prescription. He thought taking Promaxi-mum Wee-Wee Rx was a terrific idea and said he had heard a lot of good things about it...

But the biggest surprise was, since Promaxi-mum Wee-Wee Rx is 100% Natural - There's No Need for a Prescription. I ordered Promaxi-mum Wee-Wee Rx immediately that day."

What Happened Next Was Truly Astonishing.

(Next page, on what is supposed to look like a Legal Pad...)

Promaxi-mum Wee-Wee Rx Growth Diary

Aug 1st: Began taking Promaxi-mum Wee-Wee Rx. My Penis measures a miserable 4.7 inches...embarrassing!

Aug 19th: I think I see some changes in the size of my penis..too soon to tell for sure.

Sept 8th: Definitely a difference today. Now 4.9 inches..Promaxi-mum Wee-Wee Rx is amazing!

Oct 7th: O.M.G., It really works! I now measure a full 5.7 inches. Not huge to anyone else, but a "MIRACLE" to me!

Oct 28th: I am proud to say I am past the 6" mark (6.3" to be exact) and I'm ready to use it at last!

Nov. 29th: I saw Diane again today...she said there was something different about me, that I looked confident. SO I DID IT, I asked her out! At 6.8 inches, I AM confident!

Dec. 21st: Today was the big day. My date with Diane was finally here. I was ready...I measured a respectable 7.5 and really feel like a man!

Diane was mine!
But so was Cathy and
Brenda and Jill too!
I Love Promaxi-mum Wee-Wee Rx!

(Next to that is a picture of a half-naked girl with the caption 'You are Amazing, "Hot-Boy". Love, Cathy'

Ahh. So all is well that ends well with our hero, thanks to Promaxi-mum Wee-Wee Rx.

Take that, Mailman-Guy.

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