Friday, June 17, 2005

24 Hours of Closing Day Fun

...A Timeline of Magical Events...

Wednesday, June 15th (The day before Closing Day)

8:45 pm - Redpanda and Sean decide to procrastinate all packing, subvert all stress, and go see a movie. High Tension is playing.

9:05 pm - In the car en route to movie, Sean's cellphone rings. It's Redpanda and Sean's attorney, Good Lawyer, calling to inform them that he had just received messages from people on the west coast saying that all was in place to close on Friday! Redpanda's eyes grow to the size of saucers. Sean pats her knee reassuringly.

11:05 pm - Sean and Redpanda leave High Tension. Overcome with stress and gore, Redpanda weeps most of the way home. Sean pats her knee sympathetically.

12:00 am - Sleep, glorious sleep.

6:35 am - Mathilda begins her morning ritual of Stomping on Redpanda's Bladder While Licking any Exposed Redpanda Parts. Redpanda rolls onto her side and goes back to sleep.

7:35 am - Tivy begins his morning ritual of Jumping on the Bed and Staring Until Sleepers Become Creeped Out and Fill Dish. Redpanda rolls the other way and ignores him.

8:45 am - Redpanda nudges Sean. Reluctantly, the two clamber out of bed.

9:00 am - Sean begins calling All The Powers That Be.

9:10 am - Snag #1. Power That Be the Provider of Money is complaining that Power That Be the Provider of Insurance has not worded Important Things correctly. Sean hurriedly calls Insurance Power and indicates such.

9:11 am - Sean is assured by Power of Insurance that all is rectified and will be faxed presently. He sighs with relief.

10:00 am - Power of Money calls to indicate that Power of Insurance is a stupidhead and still did not say his name right. Sean calls Power of Insurance and goes over problem again. Power of Insurance assures him that they will immediately rectify situation. Sean brushes his hands together proudly in jubilant dismissal.

10:35 am - Power of Money calls to inform Sean that Power of Insurance is not his friend anymore because he still is not saying his name right. Sean calls Power of Insurance, and, speaking in progressively slower and slower sentences, explains exactly What the Fuck is needed. Power of Insurance nods gamely.

11:00 am - Redpanda and Sean meet Sexist Realtor (Did I forget to tell you THAT story?) at New House To Be for Official Walk-Through. They see that the deck is finished, as agreed. Yay! All will surely be well!

11:01 am - Sean looks under the deck and sees that there is still approximately 27 tons of concrete debris under deck, which was supposed to be removed. Redpanda sighs and indicates that he should take a picture of it.

11:15 am - Sean realizes he has forgotten the pliers he needs to get into the attic and ensure that Stormy did not flood said attic. Redpanda drives home to retrieve them.

11:30 am - Stormy seems to have spared the attic. Redpanda and Sean head home while Sexist Realtor begins frantically making phone calls.

11:40 am - Redpanda and Sean arrive home. Power of Money calls again to say that they think Power of Insurance might be their best friend again. Good Lawyer calls to say that he is running around doing things. Sean tells him about the 27 tons of concrete. Good Lawyer says: "Shit."

11:45 am - Redpanda begins drinking Butterscotch Schnapps.

12:00 pm - Redpanda and Sean leave for the Gas Station (to get gas), the Bank (to get cashiers' checks) and the Middlesex Court House (to get a house).

12:55 pm - Redpanda and Sean arrive at Middlesex Court House and immediately begin signing things.

1:00 pm - It is noticed that, on more than half of the mortgage documents, Sean is referred to not by his first and last names, but by: "Sean Sean". Redpanda suggests that he needs to explore a career in hip hop and perhaps his own clothing line.

1:10 pm - Redpanda and Sean sit down to a round table with 7 other people. They sign more things.

1:15 pm - Someone brings up the 27 tons of concrete. The sellers' attorney, Evil Slimy Fat Lawyer of Doom, acts as if this is a rhetorical issue. He continues to do so until Sean pulls out Knife the Mac, who has a series of photos of 27 tons of concrete. Evil Lawyer seems flustered and pulls out copy of signed contract. Signed contract states: "Contingent upon removal of all debris, including construction debris under deck, without limitation." He concedes that this is pretty clear-cut. All nine people begin to speak about the 27 tons of concrete.

1:20 pm - Bucktoothed Seller #1 says that "the deck cost them a lot more than they thought it would". Redpanda struggles to keep from strangling her with her own teeth while coming up with a nice way of saying "That is not our fucking problem, whore."

1:25 pm - Bucktoothed Seller #2 (I swear to you, they were brother and sister and should not be procreating!) says that he "already conceded $3500 and is not willing to concede any more". Redpanda begins entertaining fantasies of his head on a spike, Braveheart-style. She smiles indulgently and tries to find a nice way of saying "Do you want a fucking cookie, fucktard? That is SO NOT THE POINT. YOU SIGNED A FUCKING CONTRACT." Her voice is shaking so she does not make head on a spike fantasy a reality.

1:26 pm - Sensing danger, Sexist Realtor leads Redpanda and Sean to a corner away from the table. Redpanda immediately commences with Crazy Insane Arm-Flapping of Anger. She explains that she would like to walk away now and not buy Bucktoothed Sellers #'s 1 and 2's house. Sean and Sexist Realtor smile indulgently until she stops. Then, they lead her back to the table, where Sexist Realtor says: "We'll proceed." Redpanda's head on a spike fantasies grow more vivid. Also, many more papers are signed. Many of them say: "Sean Sean".

1:40 pm - Evil Slimy Fat Lawyer of Doom is making small talk with the sellers and laughing jovially. Redpanda hopes he dies.

2:00 pm - Bucktoothed Sellers shake hands and leave. Redpanda wishes that she had poison fingers.

2:05 pm - Evil Slimy Fat Lawyer of Doom leaves, as well. Redpanda considers following him and pushing him down the stairs. But there are more papers to sign.

2:10 pm - Good Lawyer jumps up to file the Deed with the Registry of Deeds, conveniently located directly behind the table.

2:15 pm - Sexist Realtor and Bucktoothed Sellers' Realtor begin talking and laughing about how the sellers completely had not lived up to their end of the contract. So obvious! Ha ha! Ha ha! Hi-fucking-larious! Redpanda ponders that in her next life, it might be fun to be a carrion bird and pluck their flesh from their bones.

2:35pm - Good Lawyer returns with the Deed. Redpanda and Sean now own the house! As well as a 27 ton pile of concrete.

3:00 pm - On the drive home, Redpanda admits to Sean that she finally conceded and didn't force the concrete issue because she realizes that the Sellers need the money for dental work. Sean laughs maniacly.

6:35 pm - Hot Monkey Sex on floor of new house.

7:30 pm - Sushi Boat is ordered.

8:15 pm - More sushi is ordered.

The End.

Until the rest.

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