Tuesday, May 27, 2003

The Matrix: Retarded

Sean and I were psyched to see the Matrix this past weekend. In fact, check out this true conversation between us in the car on the way to the theater:

Sean (putting my hand in the vicinity of his crotch): Honey! Feel how excited I am to go see this movie!!!

Amanda: Er....honey, is that a banana in your pocket?

Sean (sheepishly): I was hungry.

See? Loads of excitement. I loved the first Matrix, as did the entire rest of the planet. So yeah, I had been eagerly awaiting the sequel.

What a fool I was.

Within the first 10 minutes of the movie, I began furtively shaking the almost-empty bag of popcorn in a panic. Now what the hell was I supposed to do for the next 2 hours?!?

Yes folks, it was that bad.

Some might call some of the following comments "spoilers". However, since that would imply there was something to be spoiled, i.e. the movie was worth watching, I'm loath to label them as such.

Ok. First off, Moglia was right. Morpheus is fat. The man has a complete absence of neck. And Trinity is old. She's lookin' 45 at best. It's almost icky when she and Keanu get kissy-kissy, like Mrs. Robinson icky.

The scenes on Zion are more than a bit reminiscent of Star Trek TNG. Not that I'm not a TNG fan. But I wasn't paying $6.50 to watch something I could have seen on TV. I was a bit confused at times, searching for Klingons and wondering if I was actually in a TNG flick.

The lack of chemistry and utter cheesiness of the romantic stuff between Neo and Trinity made me want to vomit. More than once, I became confused and wondered if I had accidentally wandered into Titanic 2000.

Trinity has become annoying in her old age. She used to be a hard-ass kick-ass chick, now she gets upset if someone might kiss her boyfriend. Wait, is this Bring it On?

The fight scenes were well-choreographed. But if I wanted to see a Kabuki dance scene, I would have gone to a Kabuki theater. Is this fighting or foreplay, ya'll???

The fight scenes were cheesy and stupid. And so, so, SO obviously CGI'ed. ("Am I in Shrek? Oh no, I can't be. Shrek was a GOOD movie....")

There were quite a few tongue-in-cheek parts that made me laugh. But I have to wonder if they were supposed to make me laugh or not. No one else seemed to be laughing, but maybe that was just the area of the theater...

I don't know if everyone knows this, but apparently in the last remaining stand of humanity, we will be having raves to celebrate, well, everything. So get your glow necklaces ready. Nothing like a little gratuitous T & A to improve a crappy excuse for a sci-fi movie.

The car chase scene literally made me fall asleep. Sean still doesn't believe this. But it's true. I nodded off during the car chase scene. I woke up later, and it was still the same car chase scene. And nothing had happened or changed. It was just as cartoony as the rest of the flick. And it lasts some ungodly amount of time, like 17 minutes or something. Gak.

Neo flies WAAAAY too much. Ok, that was cool in the first one. ONCE. They relied on that stupid gimmick for the entire movie. Very Superman. Except not as interesting.

The movie doesn't end. There's no tangible beginning, middle, and end. It's just an endless 2 hours of crap with an interesting effect here and there. But they're few and far between.

Finally, everyone involved in the film should kick themselves for forgetting the cardinal rule of Matrix filmmaking. Do not allow Keanu Reeves to take part in meaningful dialog.

When we see a movie we both dislike a LOT, Sean and I tend to spend the whole trip home yelling about it in the car. Last night, both my ears and throat were sore. Please, please, in the name of all that is holy, don't see this movie. Instead, rent:
1. The original Matrix
2. Titanic
3. Star Trek: Generations
4. Shrek
5. Go! (just for the rave scenes)
6. Any Kabuki or Sumo wrestling documentary

Watch all 6 in succession and it still won't feel as long as the 2 hours and 7 minutes you'd spend watching Reloaded.

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