Wednesday, December 22, 2004

While the Merry Bells Keep Ringing...

This will be my LAST POST before Christmas. I think. We're leaving at ass-thirty (that's "early" in Redpanda-speak) tomorrow morning for the greener (literally--it's not nearly as cold there) pastures of rural Maryland. That's right, I'm going Home for the Holidaze. And I'm taking Sean with me! Ha-HA! I can't wait to force-feed him stuffed ham. And scrapple. I love scrapple. I'll bet I can lie and call it "perfectly rectangular country sausage" again and he'll have 4 helpings. Mmmm...scrapple.

Please have scrapple...and stuffed ham...and presents that weren't bought at the summer clearance sale at Target....

To say my mother is a bargain shopper is rather akin to saying "Gee, Robert Downey, Jr. might like a hit off my bong." I have no problem with this, I am a fan of the bargain myself. Witness the sapphire-blue suedelike shearling coat dangling from the back of my office chair. I picked that baby up from Lord & Taylor at 65% off, plus an additional 15%. BAR. GAIN. My issue is more to do with the emphasis being placed on "bargain" instead of "something the giftee will like". Don't get me crap I won't like. Please. I'd rather get no crap than crap I have to pretend to like. It's too much pressure. That floral-print button down? I'm never going to wear it. I'm going to exchange it for something black. You know this. Just buy me something black in the first place. And don't even get me started on the year that I was given several sets of long thermal underwear, size 3XL.

Really, I can't wait to have kids and put the pressure on them instead. And to play with their toys. And lactate. Lactating is the coolest.

But yeah. Weird gifts? They suck. Besides, I'm not a big fan of gifts. That's mostly why I prefer Thanksgiving to Christmas. I like the kitschy decor, the sappy tunes, the shopping. But I'm not a big fan of receiving.

So anyway, I'm off to partake of scrapple (hopefully!) and stuffed ham (definitely!). There will also be boxed wine. I'm giving my parents one of those Rabbit-style wine openers in the hopes that it will discourage such behavior. I can only hope.

Merry Christmas, one and all! And yes, I said "Merry Christmas". Not "Season's Greetings". Not "Happy Holidays". Know why? 'Cause the holiday we're getting ready to celebrate this week? That'd be Christmas. If I was preparing to celebrate Chanukah, or Kwanzaa, or Ramadan? I'd wish you a happy one of those. But I'm not. So, Merry Christmas, dammit!

(Hmm. That was a harsh way to end things.)

Cuddle a warm snuggy kitty. Drink some hot cocoa laced with booze. Tell someone you love that you love them. It's Christmas!

(Was that better?)

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