Things To Do in Home Depot When You're Drunk

1. Say: "PLEASE. I am NOT DRUNK."

2. Pull a squirting faucet out of its holster and commence singing along to a Cher song that's playing on the Muzak.

3. When the previous action is pointed out to you as a piece of evidence for your drunkenness, say: "PLEASE. I am NOT DRUNK."

4. Open and close every single cabinet in every single display kitchen, giggling the entire time.

5. When this is pointed out to you as evidence that you are intoxicated, say: "I AM NOT DRUNK. They WANT you to do that."

6. Pull apart drawers and watch them clatter to the floor.

7. Laugh hysterically.

8. Protest: "THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE HERE FOR." when your companion becomes embarrassed and says: "SEAN. FOR CHRISSAKES!"

9. Drop a granite countertop sample on the floor with a pronounced "DOONK".

10. Laugh hysterically.

11. Protest: "THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE HERE FOR." when your campanion becomes embarrassed and says: "SEAN! FOR CHRISSAKES."

12. Pick up EVERY SINGLE PAMPHLET that is available, until you are carrying around an 8-inch stack of cabinet pamphlets. Two of most of them.

13. Protest: "THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE HERE FOR." when your companion becomes embarrassed and says: "SEAN! FOR CHRISSAKES!"

14. Repeat as many times as necessary until vacating Home Depot.