Thursday, December 19, 2002

The Asshole Awards

Today has been a day for receiving surveys from people who injured themselves in particularly hilarious ways. Now, lest you think I'm some sort of ogre for muffling guffaws at the ways people have been hurt, I would like to inform you that I once broke my arm falling out of a hammock. So, it's kind of a laughing with them kind of thing.

Anyway, today's Asshole awards include the following:

How did the injury occur?

Trying on pants at H & M.

(This person plans to file a claim against the "responsible party". Hmm. Now, if you're either so in denial that you've injured yourself trying to stuff your size-12 frame into a size-6 pair of pants; or so klutzy that you've fallen over while putting your legs in; shouldn't you have the good sense to be too humiliated to MENTION it, much less point fingers of blame?)

How did the injury occur?

I was curling my bangs and burned my eye with the curling iron.

(This is a case of fate giving you a helping hand. Curled bangs went out about 15 years ago. There is no need for such dangerous activity any longer. Try a ponytail.)

How did the injury occur?

I stepped in front of a golf cart.

(How in the hell did this even happen? It's not like golf courses are filled with places in which a golf cart can sneak up on you, or like golf carts move that fast So what, you're walking along and somehow miss the 6-foot square vehicle rumbling towards you? "Hey Earl, I found my ball! I can play through! I---owie! I have been knocked over by a golf cart run amock!")

How did the injury occur?

I sat down on a stool that had been removed moments earlier.

( didn't exactly sit on the stool, now did you? By the way, were you one of the original Three Stooges)?

Type of Accident: BBQ Fork in right big toe.

(I have no comment on this one. I've been rendered nearly speechless.)

I am going to hell for laughing at these people. There is no doubt. But while I'm at it, wouldn't you like to laugh at them, too? We can hang in Hades later.

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