Tuesday, January 07, 2003

New Year's Resolutions

I hate New Year's Resolutions. I don't make them. They're retarded. I mean, what's the point? If you're going to do it, DO it. Don't say you're going to do it because you feel some sort of conformity-driven peer pressure to make up resolutions. It's kind of like when I was in Catholic school, and before penance we'd all stand around making up sins to confess. "Hmmm....I talked back to my mom! That's a good one!" I once even confessed to committing adultery. Hey, it sounded good at the time. The priest was a bit skeptical, though. He asked me if I was sure I'd committed adultery. I was pretty insistent. Hell, I only got 10 Hail Mary's either way.

But, I digress. The point I was originally driving at is that I despise New Year's Resolutions. But, I too am feeling the pressure to conform. But, selfless gal that I am, I don't want to think only of myself when I make my resolutions. Instead, I'm going to make them for OTHER people. Generous me! So, here in no particular order, are some "New Year's Resolutions":

Brandy: Reach for the wiener! Go for the nookie! Hide the cannoli! (Was that too graphic?)

Fady: Stop working 27-hour shifts. Bug Amanda till she visits. Take her sailing.

Sean: Take down the Halloween Party decorations.

George W. Bush: Try to be in a picture in which I do NOT look like a chimpanzee.

The ladies who sit around my cubicle at work: Stop talking behind each other's backs. All. Day. Long.

Moglia: See a movie I do not hate.

Jess: Stop bitching about....well, just stop bitching.

People Who Fart on the T: Stop farting on the T.

Mom: Be less dog-crazy. (This one is not going to happen. The G.W. one is more likely....)

Forrest: Worry less. Play more.

Forrest's 'Boy': Make more hilarious and true observations about Sean that can become catch-phrases.

Lara Flynn Boyle: Eat an entire stalk of celery. No matter how long it takes.

The Powers That Be: Ensure that Amanda gets a wondermous, high-paying job and can afford her impending student loan payments.

Chriz: Finish the novel. Become next George Lucas. (Minus the sucking.)

Evening Shuttle-bus Driver: Drive faster so Amanda will NOT constantly miss the T.

Well, I'm sure there's tons more. But that's a start. :)

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