Friday, January 28, 2005

Leftover Night

Did you ever have that when you were a kid? You would have macaroni and cheese with roast beef, your brother would have fried chicken and steamed carrots, your mom would have a pork chop and a half serving of spaghetti, and your dad would have a frozen Mr. P's Pizza. The fridge? Cleaned out.


Having some asshat leave a note virtually dripping with the oil of sarcasm on my windshield "thanking" me for taking "her" parking space that she had "shoveled out for 2 hours". Firstly, what kind of person takes 2 hours to shovel out a car? What the hell was she using, a melon baller? There wasn't that much snow. I mean, it was a helluva lot, but not 2 hours' worth. Secondly, do you think I really wanted to park all the way down the street at your house? No. I did so because someone else had taken the spot that I (Ok, Sean) shoveled out. Cry me a river. I don't care. C'est la vie in the city--if you're not a fan of that, I say move to Southie and get some metal folding chairs.

Have the plows even touched half of the streets? I mean really, people!

Is there some reason that only about 50% of the people in my neighborhood see fit to follow the "You Must Shovel Off Your Sidewalk" law? Because, you know, Sean and I are kind of spoiled and everything, but it's not convenient to WALK IN THE FUCKING MIDDLE OF THE ROAD DURING A FUCKING SNOWSTORM.

My toes? Cold.


-- The Yeah Yeah Yeahs Hello. Karen O.? You were way too chubby to be running around in that teenie little shirt. And please stop your incessant screaming. Screaming? Not music. Who do you think you are, Courtney Love?

-- Ben Folds I had never been a huge Ben Folds fan until I saw him live with Guster and Rufus Wainwright--then, all of a sudden, I knew all the words to all his songs and was screaming them at the top of my lungs. And anyone who can rock out on a piano is cool in my book.

-- The Smashing Pumpkins This was years and years ago, like 1994 or something. They were so gawdawful at Lollapalooza (Remember Lollapalooza?) that Billy Corrigan actually apologized, saying "Sorry we suck so much today!" Billy? You did.

-- The Beastie Boys At the same Lollapalooza where headliners The Smashing Pumpkins were reaching new Heights of Suck, The Beasties stepped up and rocked the house. I had previously been unconvinced of their coolness.

-- Fischerspooner Ok, I still retain the right to blast the fuck out of Emerge whenever I want to, because I'm a sucker for mediocre techno. But throwing a temper tantrum onstage and claiming the audience was not "fucking it up enough" is not the way to endear yourself to me. Besides, I don't really care if you can't wait to have sodomy all night long.

-- Nine Days Not exactly my favorite kind of music, but they put on such a great show that I had to at least give 'em props for that. Except they took up too much time and pre-empted Guster. For that, I have not entirely forgiven them.

-- Sean Lennon What are you doing? Stop. Please.

-- Green Day I will forever have a soft spot in my heart for them for starting the big Mud-Throwing Extravaganza at Woodstock 2004.

-- Primus Ditto.


(As told to me by Sean)

LITTLE GIRL: Tell me a story!

FATHER (Who, it seems, brings books and reads them to his 4-year-old-ish daughter on the bus every day): Why do I always have to tell the story? I think you should tell me a story!

LITTLE GIRL: I don't know any stories!

FATHER: That's Ok, you just make one up and tell it to me!

LITTLE GIRL: Ok. Once upon a time, there was a Daddy. With a PENIS.

FATHER: No, no, we don't use potty words on the bus.

LITTLE GIRL: What? All I said was "PENIS."

FATHER: There is going to be a time-out if you don't stop. No potty words on the bus. Now, tell a story without potty words.

LITTLE GIRL: But I only know stories about PENISES!!!!

*Bus erupts into badly-concealed snickers.*

That little conversation (which I think is fucking hilarious) brings me to the recent issue of people freaking out over blog content involving kids and anything remotely sexual. For instance, finslippy's entry about her son discovering his penis, dooce's picture of her daughter holding a book titled "Sensational Orgasms", etc.

This shit kills me. I love how people have this completely ridiculous concept that kids don't come with a natural, albeit immature, sexual urge. Why do you think our species propagates? Because fucking is fucking great. Duh. Hell, I remember being a toddler and humping my inflatable doll mattress in the middle of the living room floor until my mother came in and said, rather awkwardly: "Honey, why don't you go and do that in your bedroom?" (I know, it's disturbing--an inflatable doll mattress???)

You leave kids alone and don't teach them socially-induced body shame, they'll be running around naked poking at things with their penises in no time. Not that that's necessarily appropriate, mind you. Poking at things with one's penis, much like humping an inflatable doll mattress, is best left to the bedroom.

Also, kids who are too young to read? They're rather unlikely to be scarred in any way by the word "orgasm". So all ya'll haters? I can't wait to meet up with you when/if I one day spawn a young 'un. It will be fun.


And my boss brought in Dunkin Donuts Munchkins today. Bitch.

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