Awww, NUTS!

I used to be able to name every nut that there was. And it used to drive my mother crazy, because she used to say, "Harlan Pepper, if you don't stop naming nuts," and the joke was that we lived in Pine Nut, and I think that's what put it in my mind at that point. So she would hear me in the other room, and she'd just start yelling. I'd say, "Peanut. Hazelnut. Cashew nut. Macadamia nut." That was the one that would send her into going crazy. She'd say, "Would you stop naming nuts!" -- Best in Show

So, there's been all kinds of press in the health world lately about the sheer awesomeness of nuts. They've got fat, but it's the good kind of fat, so it'll leave you satiated but your heart will remain healthy. They're crunchy and filling, an excellent source of fiber and protein that nothing had to go and die for. I've never been one to ignore health world press, being that I work in said world, so I went out and jumped on the bandwagon. I went to Target (or, Tar-Zsay as I like to call it...) and bought a giant tub of mixed nuts. Cashew nuts, almond nuts, filbert nuts, brazil nuts, and pecan nuts, to be specific. Great, soluble protein. The only problem? I can't stop eating them.

Sure, nuts are healthy. If you eat like 15. I can't seem to do that. I sit there placidly, masticating nuts (they have such a satisfying crunch!) until my jaws ache and I have consumed considerably more than the suggested serving size of 1/4 cup.

The nut bucket claims it contains about 26 servings. It's almost empty, and I know that I've sat down for a nut-eating-session far fewer than 26 times. Now, a few times a hungry Sean has joined me to worship at the Temple of Nut (It's a 2 pound bucket. Hell, I invite all of my readership to come by for a snack...) but enough of those times, it's been just me, glutting in indolent self-pleasure.

I can't seem to stop it with the nuts. Most nut-gorging sessions end the same. After consuming massive quantities of aborted fetal plant life, I look up at Sean and plead: "Take the nuts away from meeeeeee!" He usually obliges, but not until my stomach is feeling dangerously full. I've even tried to limit my nut intake, to take out just a serving and then put the rest away.

This doesn't work. I guess whoever suggests ploys like this to limit food intake is stupid enough that, upon putting something away, they immediately forget where the offending item is located. Not so with me. I know exactly where the nuts are; right in the top cabinet; and I immediately retrieve them after a too-small nut snack (Not to be confused with a too small nut sack. Although I'm not sure which of the two is worse.).

As we speak, I have just finished a nut glut. And now I'm heading to the gym. There's no way I can possibly run on the elliptical long enough to make up for the 8 million calories in nuts I just consumed. My ass is doomed.

But when I get home, I can eat more nuts.